It's been more than a month, yet it still feels like it was only yesterday it all happened... alhamdulillah i think i'm calmer with each new day but the incident keeps replaying on my mind every single day...and not a day passed by without me remembering him..or without tears..
10th feb 2012 friday
The weekend before the accident, i wanted to spend a night in a hotel to celebrate our 7th anniversary. I wanted to make it a surprise but since I don't drive and he would have to bring me to wherever it is that i wanted to go anyway, so i let him know my plan the Friday evening. He laughed at first and was really happy and all appreciative, and the next day he packed our travel bag for the stay and we headed to the hotel.
11th feb 2012 saturday
We spent our time leisurely at the hotel..i asked him if we could go to the shopping mall on the lower floors, but he said "ala kite rehat2 je la kat sini umi eh..abi rase nak rehat je la..leisure2..baring2 tgk tv same2" to which i agreed. We've been spending most of our weekends tending to the house we planned to move in by end of february, so i thought yes we could do with a little leisure time. Maya insisted on going to the pool, so we went for a dip after our asar.. We raced each other across the shorter length of the pool for a few laps and maya showed us how she could follow us with her kickboard (she had a few swimming lessons with her nursery), and he looked genuinely proud of her.."maya dah tak takut air dah umi!" he said with a happy face.
Then we went up for our maghrib prayer, and went for dinner. He brought us a plate of fruits before we had anything, like he always did. He normally eats a lot more food than he did that night if we go to a hotel buffet, but when i asked him to have more he said "Kenyang sgt dah abi nih umi...dulu2 boleh lagi..skang dah tak boleh la umi..dah tua".
12th feb 2012 sunday
Next morning after breakfast and before checkout, he drew maya her bath, and then his own while he said i could have the last turn so i could sleep and rest while waiting for both of them. Then he woke me up and said my bath was ready so I went to the bathroom to see a full warm bath with bubbles. I shouted "wah byknye bubbles..thank you lokong!". Maya who was watching tv went to see the bath and started complaining and crying because she said abi drew her bath earlier without as much bubbles as umi's. Then he came to me whispering "apsal umi ckp kuat2..kan dah ade org jeles tuh..lenkali umi senyap2 je tau". So i let maya had her second bath and he redrew me another bath after maya was done. Little did i know that was gonna be our last little holiday together here in this world.
13th feb 2012 monday
That day, after dropping maya at her nursery i told him i wanted to work from home, since i have exam scripts to mark and i could do that at home. He agreed and on the way home suddenly i decided to have my pregnancy check-up since the clinic is close to our home and his office. He had been asking me to go for checkup since a few days before that when the home pregnancy test came back positive but i told him i wanted to wait until i'm at least 8 weeks, so he quickly agreed when i suddenly changed my mind. At the clinic, when we first saw the clot that was the baby on the ultrasound monitor, i could see him beaming. He actually told the doctor twice about me being anaemic during pregnancy "dr, wife saye nih kalo die pregnant salunye die anaemic, nak kene amek iron tablet ke eh?" i could see genuine concern on his face and that made me feel happy and contented, i think i blushed.
On the way back home from the clinic, he was talking about his nazar "arituh abi nazar nak botakkan kepala kalo kite dpt twin, nih kite dpt separuh je twin so abi nak kene botakkan jugakla separuh nih..nnt besok ke abi gi potong rambut pendek2..uish hensem ke tak abi nnt kalo rambut pendek nih umi, tak penah lagi pendek betul2 nih..sure terkejut seme org nnt nih :D" to which i replied "eh mestilah hensem..abi kan hensem..paling hensem skali lah!"..he just laughed..i always told him how handsome he was..and i really meant it..in my eyes he was the most handsome guy..and still is..Then we were discussing about which place to go for my monthly check up and delivery. Then he was talking about ways to realize our dream to have a dozen children.."ok, so campo ngan baby nih insyaAllah dah ade 2, cume nak kene tambah 10 je lg umi..lepas nih kite try dptkan twin every year..5 kali je lagi umi kene pregnant :D" he said to which i replied "wah bukan main die...5 kali jee...banyak la abi punye twin!" and we both laughed..he sent me home after buying me lunch and before leaving for his work he said "umi marking scripts tuh tau..jgn tido plak!" and i kissed his hand and he kissed both my cheeks as we always did before going to work.
I remember seeing how happy he was when we saw the two lines on the test strip when we first did the pregnancy test a few days before. He said "alhamdulillah", gave me a long big hug and thanked me for giving him what he said as the best anniversary present ever..and I believe i saw tears in his eyes, which induced my tears too. That night i realized he woke up for his qiaam. After discovering that i was pregnant, there were a few times where he told me how he would be the happiest man on earth if he could get morning sickness on my behalf for this pregnancy. He would wake up in the morning and asked "eh apsal tade mabuk2 pon lagi abi nih umi?" and i said "lokong biar betul lokong, be careful what you wish for..lokong ingat best eh? seksa woo morning sickness!" and he replied "abi tak kisah umi..abi sanggup wooo :)". He wouldn't allow me near the cat litter because of the harm it might do to the baby, he wouldn't let me near any raindrops, he would try his best to make sure i had enough rest and sleep and he would make sure i eat on time, and no carbonated drink at all. He would prepare a jug of cordial drink for me in the fridge every day to go with my pregnancy supplement which he fed me every night, and for me to drink if i woke up in the middle of the night.
He came back early from work that day, telling me how he was really excited about the baby now that it was confirmed and how he had no mood for work really that day. He was asking if he could upload the baby scan to his fb but i said let's wait for a bit before announcing the news. After our asar, we went to pick up maya and he excitedly told maya that umi now has a baby in her tummy. He had been insisting on telling maya about it since we first found out but i asked him to wait till later since i had a history of miscarriage with our first baby. So all the while before seeing the dr, he actually told maya that he has a baby in his tummy instead and he'll transfer the baby to my tummy when the time comes. That evening in the car he asked maya "maya arituh abi kate baby ade dkt mane?" and maya answered without missing a beat "dkt dlm abi punye tummy!" we looked at each other and we laughed. Then he continued "haa dgr nih abi nak ckp nih..abi dah transfer dah baby dlm umi punye tummy tau..so lps nih baby ade dlm umi punye tummy..ok? Sape punye tummy maya?" to which maya answered "umi punye tummy!".
Before reaching home we went to the wet market to buy some groceries. We bought the stuff we usually buy and that night i cooked masak lemak ketam and sambal sotong. I asked him if he wanted me to fry tempe or fish for him to which he answered "takpela umi..takyah susah2..nih dah ade ketam ngan sotong nih..cukup dah nih umi". He was always like that..easy to please and would never want to hassle me. While i was cooking he helped with cleaning and portioning the chicken, fish, and squids to freeze for our daily meals, like he always did. During dinner he shelled the crabs for me and maya before he did his. He ate a lot that night.One thing weird about him that night was that he was not wearing any t shirt, just his sarong pelekat, even while having dinner. He never ever did that before in the 7 years we've been married.
That night he helped me with the internet connections for my MAPS and after i was done with MAPS he was already asleep next to me, he looked very sleepy that night. Normally he would be the last one to sleep. Since i was up anyway, I went down to slice some young mangoes he bought me at the market and brought it up to share with him. I woke him up and we shared the mangoes, actually i was feeding him the mango slices alternately with myself because he was really sleepy.. i asked him if it was good..he replied "sedap umi :)" with his eyes barely opened..which was kinda weird since he normally resents young mangoes. Even though he was sleepy, he still remembered to feed me my pregnancy supplement before we went to bed, coz he knew how i would always conveniently 'forget' my meds.
14th feb 2012 tuesday
Normally every weekday morning he would be the first one to wake up, take his shower and then only he would wake me and maya up. I remember how he would come from the shower and said "Bangun semua wahai penduduk kampong! Carik bantal tutup mata cepat abi nak bukak lampu dah nih! Kang silau kang!"..yes he was a funny guy who made us laugh a lot.. That morning however, he woke me up saying he and maya had already showered, so it's my turn to wake up. I saw maya was already in her uniform so i went to take my shower. After taking my shower, i saw him lying on the bed leisurely..looking at me...smiling at me..then he laughed "haha..arinih abi tipu seme org..abi belum mandi pon lagi sbenanye... arinih abi nak mandi last skali :D"..indeed he had his last bath on this world that day..his last bath before returning to Allah..
We had our subuh prayer, then he fixed my laptop's keyboard that i was complaining the night before. He made sure i tested the keyboard and was happy with it before refixing all the screws. Then he packed maya's schoolbag, packed my laptop into my bag, took out the chicken portion for our dinner from the freezer to fridge and he also packed a change of clothes for him and for me. Yes he normally did practically everything for us, he has spoiled me for 7 years with his care and love. He planned to go and continue fixing the lights and fans in our new home after work that day, so with the change he packed we could have fresh clothes after that. He also made a remark on how he felt really hungry upon waking up for that day and a few days before, despite having big dinners.
After maya had her morning milk, we left and we stopped at a stall to buy maya some kueh. He whispered to me "utk kite umi takyah beli pape..belikan utk maya je..nnt lepas anta maya kite gi mkn roti canai kat fcm..shhh" he didn't want maya to hear because maya also loves roti canai..so i bought 3 karipaps..offered to maya and she said she wanted only one, so i ended up sharing the 2 karipaps with him..we had our morning chat as usual in the car..but honestly to this day i can't recall what exactly were we talking about that morning..
I remember telling him "lokong ade lori kat depan tuh"..and a few seconds later a loud bang..it all happened too fast..i remember i kept repeating to myself "astaghfirullahal'azim" and i could hear maya's scream.. after the car finally stopped i was expecting everybody to be ok, because i was..i could hear maya crying so i thought she should be ok..but his head was resting on my shoulder...he looked like he was just sleeping, with his eyes slightly open, as he always was when he sleeps...he looked calm and there was no signs of shock on his face..except for the blood that was coming out of his nose, mouth and ears..i cried..calling him..."abiii...abiii...lokong..lokong!!!" when i shook him to try and wake him up there was even more blood coming out onto my clothes..passers by were asking me to get out of the car with maya since there was thin smoke coming out of the engine...i was still crying but deep in my heart i kinda realised..the day has come...Allah has taken my husband..He has taken back who He has mercifully allowed me to borrow..and he was never mine to begin with..
I insisted to the fireman that i wanted to wait until they get him out, but they coaxed me to tend to maya's broken leg first. So we went to the hospital and while i was there i overheard the walkie talkie on one of the staffs "two confirmed dead on site"...that confirmed that 14th feb 2012 was the day my beloved husband returned to his Creator..it broke my heart..it really did.. I felt so helpless and i saw everything that we planned together collapsing before me..our new baby, our new home...everything..
I was later told maya would need to undergo operation and i asked the dr if maya could go for his abi's funeral before her operation, which was declined. I told maya that abi has returned to Allah and we wouldn't be able to see abi even after we got out of the hospital. I told her twice in case she missed the point, but she just said "ok" both times. I told her i was going to accompany abi because abi will need to be buried near nenek's house, to which again she said ok. Then she asked "umi kenapa Allah panggil abi blk cpt sgt?" i quavered a bit, trying my best to compose myself and then i said to her "sbb abi sangat baik dan sgt rajin maya...abi dah siapkan seme homework yg Allah suruh abi buat..so Allah kate abi dah boleh balik rehat2 sayang...kite punye homework belum siap..sebab tu Allah belum panggil kite balik skali ngan abi"..and she nodded.
When i first saw his face in hospital serdang where he had his post-mortem, it really broke my heart to see him lying lifeless on the trolley. But to see that he was his usual handsome self and smiling, that calmed me a bit. Actually it calmed me a lot. I'd like to believe that his soul was shown a good resting place in which he would rest until the judgment day, hence his sweet smile. I accompanied him to masjid mardi where he had his last bath. While waiting for the people to bathe him, i talked to him in between reading the yaasin. I told him about maya. I told him how it was raining lightly outside. I told him how maya asked me to kiss him on her behalf, with wet kisses on both of his cheeks. I told him how i love him so much. And after he had his bath, i accompanied him on the van jenazah for his burial in melaka. I continued with the yaasin, and whispered to him to let him know when we've passed his old family home in peringgit and when we've reached mak and baba's place. I remember whispering to him "lokong kite dah sampai rumah mak, lokong...ramai org dtg tgk lokong". He was smiling in his kafan when people were paying him their last respect and he was still smiling when i last kissed his forehead before the burial. That to me, was a beautiful closure, alhamdulillah.
Sometimes it makes me think..maybe at some point of my life with him, i might have loved him more than i loved Allah..and this serves as a reminder that only our love to Allah will last forever..only Allah would be able to love us forever..not a thing, not a human..yes we should love and respect our husbands, but we need to always check so that our love towards our husbands are never more than our love towards Allah..but at the same time we should also observe the prophet's saying "If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would order woman to prostrate to her husband due to the greatness of his right over her". We should appreciate our husbands and treat them well as we never know when will be our last day of having them. And to the husbands perhaps this could be a reminder to be kind to your wife so you could leave them with sweet memories to last their whole life insyaAllah, should you be called by Allah before your wife.
His love towards me was in fact a precious gift from Allah..through him to me..and maybe i was not able to see the fact that it was really from Allah before..and i am truly grateful to Allah for the opportunity to be the wife to the kindest man i've ever met in my life..
I am still grieving his passing, I am still missing him badly that it hurts..but i should see beyond that as well..i should be grateful to Allah for borrowing me a really kind husband for 7 beautiful years..alhamdulillah.. and two kids who'll be my pillars of strength insyaAllah..maya normally sits behind her abi in the car, but a few days before the accident she spilled her drink on the seat behind me..he was not happy to see the water stain so he actually moved maya's seat behind me instead to cover the stain...i think that saved her life..coz she might've been gone with him too if she was sitting behind him on that day like she normally does...indeed Allah is the most merciful the most gracious..
I'm grateful to Allah that i was right beside him when he returned, and he left me with countless sweet memories..i would be in regret for the rest of my life if he was to return to Allah when i was sulking but alhamdulillah i wasn't..we were happy..
For all the kind souls who have helped us and also who are still helping us in any way, i'd like you to know that we really appreciate every single thought, msg, prayer, donation, visit etc..may Allah bless all of you with big rewards insyaAllah, for indeed you have helped us a lot alhamdulillah.
O Allah please grant me and our children strength and patience in facing your tests, and please reunite all of us in the hereafter if that is indeed the best for all of us..please forgive all of our sins..please grant my husband a good resting place while waiting for yaumul akhirah, please let his grave be bright and spacious and please bless him with your love and mercy..indeed you're the most merciful the most gracious ya Allah..amin..alfatihah
p/s: lokong nih umi dah uploadkan gamba baby kite yg lokong nak upload arituh..hrp2 baby nih boy mcm yg lokong nak..maya pon dah tanak girl lg sbb die kate abi dah balik die nak baby boy pulak.. harap2 baby nnt handsome dan baik sangat mcm lokong...amin..i love you lokong..always will..
she just teaches me how beautiful a muslim family should be...
and how beautiful living with ALLAH's love
May ALLAH bless her, the one who had returned and the family
amin..
